Guilt
by Moonsetta
Summary: He looks back into the water, watching as the monster rises over his youngest brother, a pipe in his hand, then he sees the monster again, pushing his older brother to the ground, aiming to stab a blade through his throat. Raph knows...


I don't own TMNT.

* * *

A soft glow from the kitchen is the first thing he sees and he walks towards the bright light, blinking away the shock to his amber eyes as he sets foot in the kitchen.

"Morning Raph you're up early," Mikey said, leaning over to watched as sausages were frying in the oil slick pan.

"Uh yeah," the red masked turtle said as he sat down at the table.

"So what's up?" the youngest orange masked turtle asked with a smile.

"Nothing," Raph said, crossing his arms defiantly.

"You never get up this earlier," Mikey pointed out, "It's 5:30am, the only ones ever up are sensei, Leo and I. So why are you up?"

"No reason," the older turtle said, glancing at the floor and trying to chase away last night's nightmare.

"Ok dude, whatever," Mikey said with a smile before turning back to his cooking.

Raph gulped and clutched at the edge of the table with his hands, trying to get his breathing even again. He bit his lip and closed his eyes. He shivered as his right hand ran over a metal nail that held the old wooden table together. It felt just like that pipe and brought back the nightmare.

_The monster leapt forward an orange speck in the distance was unaware of the beast closing in. Then the growl rang out and the orange banded turtle turned only to be knocked back on his shell. The monster stared down with an angry scowl, raising the pipe over it's head before bringing it down, aiming strait for those blue shaded innocent eyes. The pipe met flesh and a scream followed as the pipe rose again and then fell. Again, again and again it rose and fell. He couldn't stop even when the blood splattered over his face or when the screaming stopped and his baby brother's body lay motionless._

Raph shivered and cursed under his breath as the nightmare. It was the same as the memory, only no one stopped the him, the monster, in his nightmares.

"Raph, are you ok?" Mikey asked, laying a hand on his older brother's shoulder.

The red clad turtle jumped at the contact and then closed his eyes while ducking his head low, "Fine," he mumbled.

"Ok then," Mikey said, "I'm just worried, if you're ever up this early you're angry."

Mikey hummed a random tune and went to the refrigerator to pull out half a dozen eggs and a package of bacon.

"Mikey?"

"Hmm?" Mikey replied, trying to open the package of bacon that was being very difficult!

"Do you hate me?" Raph asked so quietly only ninja like them would be able to hear it.

Mikey froze and frowned before turning to look at his red banded older brother who was focusing on the floor instead of him. The youngest turtle put down the bacon and turned off the stove, the frying sausages still slightly popping among the grease. The orange masked turtle walked over to the table and scooted a chair next to Raph.

"So that's what's bugging you. Raph, that was three years ago and I forgave you in a matter of minutes."

The older turtle didn't bother to open his eyes to look at his baby brother. Mikey sighed, "Look Raph, it's ok you-"

"It's not ok!" Raph yelled, banging his fist against the table top, "I could've-"

The red masked turtle stopped, fearful his voice would begin choking with the fear.

A little surprised about the yell, but overall expecting an angry reaction Mikey reached out to lay his hand on Raph's shoulder, "Bro, I forgive you. You were just angry, and it wasn't very smart of me to be gloating like that."

Raph buried his face in his hands and Mikey sighed before getting up and walking over towards the stove picking up a metal spatula. He made his way back to Raph and tapped his older brother on the shoulder. Slowly but surely, Raph glanced up at him, then he found a spatula two inches from his face. It remained there for a few seconds before Mikey pulled it back.

"There, we're even," Mikey said with a smile.

"No," Raph growled, getting to his feet, "Mikey there's a difference between a lead pipe and a steel spatula."

"Well I don't care," Mikey said, putting the spatula up and walking back to his older brother, his smile still plastered across his face.

"Don't care? Mikey, I could've killed you!" Raph insisted.

"So?" Mikey asked and continued before Raph's sudden trembling resulted in an angry outburst, "I'd of been ok with it."

Raph's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. The youngest turtle's smile grew a little devious, he pulled out his sweet sugary voice that he always saved for when he needed it and stepped forward to hug his older brother, who unfortunately remained stiff.

"Raph, you're my big brother, I could never hate you."

Raph felt his tense muscles relaxing and he returned the hug more fiercely.

"I'm sorry Mikey," he mumbled, feeling the nightmare slipping away.

* * *

A few minutes later, Raph was sitting down at the table while Mikey was concentrating on his cooking. At random really the younger turtle spoke up.

"I know something else is bothering you."

Raph remained silent, Mikey couldn't know about-

"Leo is in the dojo you know."

"Y-yeah, I-I know," Raph stuttered the second nightmare crushing his mind.

_The monster, now clothed in heavy metal pressed harder upon the swords in front of him, the long blades caught between the sais he held. A few seconds, a few hard stares and the swords snapped, the broken blades tumbling across the rain slick rooftop. The monster takes the opportunity while his opponent is distracted. Monster charges, knocking the enemy onto his shell. Blue mask tails fly up, defying gravity for a few moments and they brush across the monster's face. This enrages him, he glances down and realizes he has four options, the skull, the throat, the heart or the small voice in his head saying the concrete next to his enemy's head. The sai comes down, going through the throat, before rising again and plunging through the skull, then rising one last time before falling to drill through the hard plastron and strait into the heart. Monster took no notice of what stuck to his blade, covered his hands or the blood shower he was getting, his shoulders and head dripping with the dark syrup. _

_One last whisper dies on the wind, "I love you."_

_Then another one follows, "I hate you."_

Raph pressed a hand to his mouth, the nightmare made him want to regurgitate his last 48 hours of food. With no word the older turtle climbed to his feet, and quickly made his way to bathroom, where he did lose his last 48 hours of food. When he was left weak and trembling he pushed himself to his feet and stared at the mirror behind the sink. He untied his mask and ran the water, scooping it up in his hands and dousing himself with it. He could feel the blood blanketing his shoulders and face, the sticky syrup-like liquid running down his chest and sticking in between the plates on his plastron, forever reminding him of the horror, the nightmare, the Monster. He glanced up again and glanced in the mirror, no blood, just deep dark circles under his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping well if you couldn't guess. It wasn't that he didn't sleep, it was just that sleeping was no longer the relaxing calm escape it once was. He no longer held dreams in his mind, the good memories were few and only nightmares could reveal the past, as if they were stacked across the good memories and you had to face them to get to those happier times. Raph glanced down at the sais tucked in his belt and remembered what they looked like in his dream, not only dripping with blood, but with flesh, muscle tissue and other things he'd rather not identify.

* * *

15 minutes later the red masked turtle stumbled out of the bathroom, unaware of the approaching footsteps. The sudden movement caused Raph's sight to darken for a moment before he felt his body sway to the side. He was certain he would hit the floor, but then there was someone there, holding him up.

"Raph, are you ok?"

The red clad turtle recognized the voice and pushed away from his older brother, "Fine Fearless."

Fearless… Raph hated saying that as much as Leo hated hearing it. So concentrated on his thoughts Raph didn't notice when he ran into a table that held a porcelain vase and fell once again. He waited for what would happen first, him meeting the floor or the vase shattering against the stone. Arms reached out and encircled his waist, pulling him back and he was sure that the pieces of the vase would soon blanket the floor, but after waiting a few seconds he realized that the scene was silent. He opened his eyes that he wasn't aware that he had closed and found the vase had been pinned to the wall with two swords, each sword sticking through the side handles, effectively keeping it from falling.

"Raph what's wrong?" Leo asked, turning his brother around to face him.

Raph swayed again and Leo reached out to steady him, "Maybe you should get some rest, you don't look well."

The red clad turtle pulled out of his older brother's grasp and stepped back until his shell hit the wall. He leaned on it and breathed heavily. The eldest blue masked turtle turned away from Raph and stepped towards the vase, pulling out his swords and catching it before it could fall the rest of the way to the ground. Checking it over for damage and finding none, Leo righted the fallen table and placed the vase back on it before turning back to his immediate younger brother.

"Maybe you should go have Don check on you. You look like you're going to lose your breakfast at any second," Leo said, worry interlacing with his voice.

Bile climbed up Raph's throat again and he just remained still and quiet. Maybe if he did, Leo would go away. Luck seemed to be on his side because his older brother said he'd be in the dojo, he had momentarily left to wake up Don for morning practice, that would commence in 45 minutes. When he was alone Raph bolted back inside the bathroom, if anyone was around they would've heard his dry heaving since he knew there was no longer anything in his stomach. How was he going to make it through morning practice?

A few minutes after hunting down a lot of toothpaste and mouthwash Raph reentered the kitchen to find his immediate younger brother at the table scribbling in a notebook while looking over something that looked like a circuit board. Mikey had his back to them both, his attention completely on the bacon sizzling in a frying pan. Quietly, Raph slunk out of the kitchen and turned to see his sensei walking towards him. Wanting to avoid a certain talk and/or lecture from his father he ducked into the hallway and slid inside the nearest room, which unfortunately, was the dojo.

"Raph? What are you doing here?"

The red clad turtle spun around and his amber eyes locked with hues of dark chocolate. Raph's breaths grew heavy, just those eyes just reminded him.

_The sai comes down, going through the throat, before rising again and plunging through the skull, then rising one last time before falling to drill through the hard plastron and strait into the heart. _

Raph shivered and tried to swallow the dry heaves that were fighting to escape his throat.

"Raph?" Leo asked again, approaching his younger brother.

It kept hitting Raph and he realized that closing his eyes made it worse because then his imagination took control and he mentally hit himself for each thought

_The sai comes down…_(A punch to his skull)

_Going through the throat…_(A kick to his chest)

_Plunging through the skull…_(A spear through his gut)

_Strait into the heart. _(A bullet tearing completely through him)

"RAPH!" Leo called, finally getting his red masked brother's attention.

"Huh?" the red clad turtle mumbled his clouded over eyes finally clearing to find himself a few feet away from his older brother.

"What are you doing here? Practice isn't for another half an hour."

Raph looked for a quick distraction, his eyes landed on Leo's swords. He remembered giving them to his older brother after they rescued him from the Stone Generals.

"Wanna spar?" the red masked turtle asked.

Leo looked at him with a skeptical eye but agreed. They each stood on one side of the dojo and then rushed forward, one focused on the battle, the other focused on something too far to be anything but one thing beyond time. As the silver blades met and sparks flew by unnoticed Raph lost himself in the memory of their battle on the rooftop. They always passed it during their nightly patrols now, but still the dilemma lay forgotten, at least, by Leo. After awhile both turtles noticed the spar was turning into the same movements of that fateful night. Before they knew it, their weapons were locked, each applying more pressure as the seconds passed. In his mind , Raph heard the sound of snapping metal but in reality Leo crossed his swords, forcing the sais to cross as well. Then, moving quicker than his brother could see Leo forced the sais down to the floor leaving an opening. A kick to his plastron sent Raph backwards and the eldest took the chance dropping one sword and pinning Raph down to stop him from reclaiming his sais. They both froze as the memory froze their movements and minds. Strangely though, Raph felt it was nothing short of what he deserved anyway.

Leo frowned as he noticed an emotion pass Raphael's eyes, he remembered the rooftop though and he guessed the red masked turtle's thoughts, "This is about our fight isn't it?"

Reluctantly Raph nodded as Leo climbed to his feet allowing his younger brother to reclaim his sais as the eldest scooped up the sword that he had previously dropped.

"I have nightmares Leo," Raph said, his old sense of pride seeming to abandon him, "It won't leave me alone. It was bad enough what I nearly did to Mikey but to actually-"

He stopped talking, fearing emotion would make him choke.

"You didn't Raph," Leo reminded him.

"But I nearly did!" Raph shouted, "I nearly **killed **you Leo! Bro, I can't stand this anymore."

Raph took a few deep breaths, "Let's make it even."

"What?" Leo asked.

"Look, hit me or something."

"What! Hit you? You're crazy."

"Leo come on I need to get this crazy nightmare out of my head."

"You are getting distracted in practice," Leo mused thoughtfully before turning serious again, "But there's no way I'm hitting you. That's not going to help anything."

"But I tried to-"

"It doesn't matter Raph. You could have done a hundred things, instead of stabbing the rooftop beside my head, you could've chosen to stab your sai through my skull or even my throat or heart. Believe me when I say that I'm grateful that you didn't."

"I still nearly-"

"Enough Raphael!" Leo ordered, "There's no way I'm going to hit you for that."

"Why!" Raph screams stepping towards Leo a threat glowing beneath his eyes, "Why not! Why don't you hold a grudge against me! If you really hate me that much then just say it!"

"Hate you?" Leo asked with a deep frown, "Raph I would **never **hate you."

Leo's blazing eyes spoke too many wonders, too much certainty for those words to be lies.

"Then just hit me so I can forget this freaking nightmare!"

"No," the eldest said resolutely, "I don't need to hit you to make everything better. That'll only make things worse. We each made our choices and now we have to live with the consequences."

"Leo please," Raph begged, "Get this nightmare out of my head," he then lowered his voice, "Please big brother."

That made Leo freeze when he had begun to turn to go back to his meditation, Raph hadn't actually called him 'big brother' for years, the exception being that night they had their fight.

"Raph," Leo sighed, "I'm not sure how to fix this. One thing I do know though, is that if I had the opportune moment to act the same way as you did that night, I'd rather take my sword to my own throat."

"Why won't you hit me? Take a little revenge?" Raph said harshly.

The red banded turtle never noticed the dojo doors opening and their little brothers looking in.

Leo did though and he knew he had to end this quickly, since it was time for training, "Because, I said it before and I'll say it again, **I'm better than you**."

The first time Leo had said it, the sentence enraged Raph, but something was different now. The eldest was speaking in a hinting tone, like there was some hidden meaning to his words. The red masked turtle shook off the thoughts and scowled.

"Look, I don't care that you're better ninja or a better son to Splinter-"

"I never said I was a better ninja or son to our father, that's not what I meant," Leo said with a stern glance as his younger brothers in the doorway when they tried to speak up.

"Then what the shell did you mean!" Raph shouted, the two younger turtles in the doorway wincing at the volume of his voice.

Leo took a deep breath, "I meant I'm a better person Raphael. I don't need to hit you to make things between us ok again. You're still my brother, no matter what. I don't blame you and nothing in this world could ever make me hate you."

Raph stayed silent and just stared ahead, trying to absorb all the words Leo had spoken.

No fault.

No blame.

No hate.

Everything ok again.

Still brothers.

"I don't need to take any revenge on you Raph," Leo said quietly as he noticed his younger brothers fleeing from the doorway, probably to get Master Splinter for fear of a violent fight between the two eldest, "I'm better than that. And if you still think I need to, then it only proves that I am better than you."

"I'm sorry," Raph whispered.

Leo sighed and stepped forward, pulling his immediate younger brother into a hug. Raph hesitated but nevertheless returned the hug.

* * *

Outside the door a few minutes later Mikey and Don were leading their sensei to the dojo.

"I tell you, they're about to go at each other's throats!" Mikey yelled as Splinter stepped towards the doorway, cracking it open about an inch to look inside.

"Hmm, I see," he murmured, "Practice will now be held this afternoon, Donatello I suggest you get more sleep, Michelangelo I suggest you watch what you eat."

With that, their sensei left the hallway, heading for the kitchen before his tea grew cold.

Confused they glanced inside and their jaws dropped. Their older brothers were both sitting against the far wall of the dojo, Leo was reading a scroll and Raph was sleeping, his head pillowed on Leo's shoulder. The younger turtles glanced at one another and then back at the red and blue masked turtles. Both silent as before, one reading, the other sleeping so peacefully, like he hadn't slept well in months.

"Dude, they can not be our brothers," Mikey said, "They must be evil doppelgangers!"

"You actually know that word?" Don asked.

* * *

Review if you want but I like wrote this back in December it was another story of mine I wrote after seeing the CGI TMNT movie.

Ok, people who are waiting for updates on:

Where's Leo: Be patient, there's only two chapters left.

My Own: I'm working really hard to make the last chapter extra long for you all.

A Simple Falmunction: I've yet to get started on the second chapter because I'm trying to finish these first two stories.

Because We're Brothers: Consider this on hold for a little while longer.

MY Brother: When I get finished with Where's Leo and My Own this story and a Simple Falmunction will be my top priorities.

Ok and I've had some requests on one-shots to make them into stories. I'm happy to report that For Treasures You Hold Close will in time become a story. Also on my Super Turtles one-shot I was asked to make a story staring the Super Turtles. Maybe I will but it's not going to be anytime soon, I'm too busy with my other stories right now. Now I also have a story request for my one-shot The Dark in the Lightness. I believe it would make a good story, I'm sorry, I might get to it in the future, but just not right now.

People wondering about a sequel to You Have No Idea, I'm sorry, there was a sequel, but I didn't like it, so I've deleted from my computer. I really doubt anyone here would've liked it.

Well, I think that about sums everything up. If you have any inquires just contact me. So, see you all later.

~Moonsetta


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